Thursday, July 26, 2012

I swear I'm not

...bat shit crazy.

Ok, maybe I am...but it's a tiny baby bat.

So I'm reading a book called

Let's Pretend this Never Happened
By: Jenny Lawson

And it's all kinds of awesome.  My cousin asked me what it was about.  My response?

Randomness, sarcasm and swearing like a sailor.  

Basically everything that encompasses my personality.  If you've ever met me, you know this is true.  I'm trying to work on the last one because my son is finally getting over his "not wanting to say a fucking thing" phase and is starting to repeat shit we say.  It doesn't count when I'm writing because he's fucking 2 years old and can't read yet.  And if he can read, then I don't give a shit because my son is Doogie Fucking Howser and I can retire because he's going to be a doctor when he's 8 years old. 

Ok, got a little off topic.  Just slightly.  Back to not being bat shit crazy.

So I'm reading this book at work and all my coworkers think I'm crazy because I'm cracking up to myself.  Cracking up loudly.  Like obnoxiously loud.  I'm pretty sure one of them made a comment about a straight jacket.  Oh wouldn't be the first time someone called me crazy or thought I was.

I guess maybe I am crazy.  The reason I bought this book was because I was in Target trying to be a good mommy/wife and looking to buy stuff for my family.  I'm pretty sure I walked out of there with only nail polish and Hello Panda.  I was planning on giving the Hello Pandas to Jonathan, but then I ate them.  I mean, who can resist chocolate filled Pandas?  If they were vanilla filled, maybe...but then I wouldn't buy vanilla Hello Pandas because that's just effing gross.

Look...I had good intentions!  If I bought Pocky, then you would know I was being a selfish bitch because my son, for some reason I just cannot fathom, doesn't like Pocky.  He's like some Asian snack snob or something.

You should probably Google Hello Panda and Pocky if you have no idea what they are.  Also, this sentence should be before I said all that.

I should also probably tell you that I have really bad A.D.D. and will stop a conversation if I see a cool bird or something.

Anyway, I was perusing the book section because I needed another book to fill my time.  I immediately went to what was next to Fifty Shades of Grey because I wanted to see what other dirty books were out there.  Bared to You was next to it, and being the big pervert that I am, I already read that book a month ago (and in the process of re-reading it [and by re-reading it, I mean re-reading all the good parts!]).

So I walk by this book that has a white mouse wearing a cape on it.  It caught my eye immediately (you know, because I'm crazy).  I didn't even look to see what it was about.  I came home and downloaded it on my Kindle.

It had a mouse wearing a cape on the cover!  If I need to explain myself further than this...I just don't even know what to do with this world we live in.

I've highlighted so many parts of this book, you'd think I was majoring in Jenny Lawson-isms.

Favorite chapters include:

"A Series of Helpful Post-it Notes I Left Around the House for my Husband This Week," and "Thanks for the Zombies, Jesus."

I'll leave you with one of the segments I highlighted:

"If someone asked me to pick out my own vagina's mug shot out of a lineup of vaginas, I'd be helpless.  And probably concerned about what exactly my vagina had been doing that constituted a need for its own mugshot."

Now that I think about it, I don't think highlighting that quote is a good defense for me not being crazy.

Did any of this make sense?  Probably not.  Good night.


  1. ha, I actually met her at BlogHer last year, but had no idea who she was at the time. After reading her blog, I was like what the!? That was her?! She was so sweet and humble in person! I read mixed reviews about the book, glad you liked it! I fricken love Pocky sticks!

    1. Ahhh! You met her? So jealous. The book was legit cracking up all loud and obnoxious. And seriously, who doesn't love Pocky sticks? I don't know what's wrong with Jonathan!